At Lifecare Counselling, we pride ourselves on our specialist baby loss counselling for parents. Every counselling session is bespoke, helping parents to process what’s happened and commemorate their child in the best way.
For one of our parents, we worked together to put her feelings into words to manage her grief so that she could understand the love for her baby who is no longer with us.
And she kindly agreed to share her words. A letter to her baby, Matilda.
Thank you Matilda’s Mummy for your inspiring words. You are helping to put an end to mental health stigma and encourage more baby loss counselling for parents everywhere…
Dear Matilda,
I’m sat outside in the garden. It was grey as I started writing but as soon as I finished that first sentence the sun came out, so thank you for that my darling, my sunshine girl. I did always get my bump out in the sunshine for you.
I have been thinking about love this morning. The idea of loving you after you have died. How to love your baby after they have died – something you learn when you become a bereaved mother or a bereaved parent.
When you are pregnant and growing a baby inside you, and then you give birth to them, you love them all throughout that time. As I did for you Matilda, even when you did start moving and it started to weird me out!
So, you are pregnant, and loving your baby. You are giving birth and you’re still loving your baby. And then your baby dies and just because that happens it doesn’t mean that the love suddenly disappears. If anything, it grows stronger. Day by day my love for you grows stronger.
But what does loving a baby that has died feel like?
What is it, to be a mother, when there is no physical representation of the child to love? How can I love you Matilda, without you being here with me?
Or, as my counsellor once put it…
“How can I parent Matilda moving forward?“
To be honest, I am still searching for the answers… It feels isolating, painful, fraudulent. It feels like my love for you is not always welcome or it feels like society does not know how to respond to this love. The love I have for you Matilda, it sometimes feels so strong, so powerful. I have this energy, a buzzing, that I have to do something with. Usually, something physical – I go for a run, cut the grass, do some gardening, anything. I know this energy will eventually drive me towards something greater in life, but I haven’t quite worked out what yet.
“Loving you, was me and daddy pouring our hearts and soul into planning your funeral. To making it the perfect day. “
Loving you, was me and daddy pouring our hearts and soul into planning your funeral. To making it the perfect day.
Loving you, was going through each song that we wanted to play, listening to it four or five times over, making sure the lyrics were a spot-on representation of your gorgeous time on this Earth.
Loving you, was rushing around M&S to find the perfect outfit, and painting my nails on the day of your funeral so that they matched my skirt.
Loving you, was trying to make ourselves look absolutely perfect for you on that day. Loving you now, is seeing you in all that I do.
Loving you, is driving to work on a sunny day, listening to happy songs and imagining us dancing in the kitchen together.
Loving you, is seeing a robin in the garden and feeling that sense of calm and feeling a connection to you.
Loving you, is feeling the sun’s warmth on my skin and feeling your presence around me.
Loving you, is looking at every tiny detail of your photos for hours on end, just in case I discover something that I hadn’t noticed before.
“Loving you, is reliving the one hour and thirty-five minutes we had of you every single day since you were here.“
Loving you, is seeing you in my dreams and hearing your voice in my head saying, ‘I’m okay mummy’. Loving you, is sharing your story with our family and friends.
Loving you, is sitting at your graveside reading Roald Dahl’s Matilda. Aloud. And not caring if anyone thinks I’m mad.
All I want in life, is to show my love for you Matilda. All I want is for the entire world to know how big my love is for you.
I love you by saying your name. I love you by making sure people know about you. And I will continue to do so for the rest of my life.
With love, Mummy x
There is no shame in seeking baby loss counselling for parents after experiencing baby loss.
We can help you to work through your grief in the best way for you and writing a letter is just one of many ways during the counselling process.
If you are struggling and would like to know more about baby loss counselling for parents, please reach out: